Campus Life

Squid vs. Whale

Undead on the Prowl

Being a sensible person, I immediately scope out every place I’m at to formulate an emergency plan in the event of a zombie attack. Having recently become acquainted with MIT and since Halloween is tomorrow, I feel I should share some of my zombie prevention insights.

In the likely event of a zombie outbreak in Cambridge, MIT will certainly be an immediate target of the zombie horde. As we all know, zombies feast on brains, juicy brains. And unfortunately, the brains at MIT are pretty juicy and delicious. Thus the zombie mobs will rapidly descend onto campus creating a perilous situation for all involved.

If you’re lucky enough to not get trapped on campus, I’ve already figured out a sure fire way to escape the massacre unscathed: go to Harvard. Your brain waves will be drowned out by the minds of young adult plagiarizers and future politicians. If you manage to get there, you’re done. Home free.

For the rest of us still on campus, first things first. You must immediately form a small group. Sticking with the crowd only increases danger. Don’t go wherever the government or MIT officials tell you to go. Their strongholds will inevitably be overrun. Always keep eye protection and band-aids with you. Forty-five percent of all zombie infections occur as a result of zombie contaminant entering an open wound or the eyes.

Remember, anything around you can be used as a weapon. Laboratories are a great place to improvise weapons. Get yourself some rubber tubing, a Bunsen burner, and some ethanol and you’ve got yourself a flamethrower. If you can’t make it to a lab, try getting to the shooting range on campus. Wherever I go, I always make a mental note of the fastest route to the shooting range.

Having extensive knowledge of zombie behavior, I can tell you that zombies preferentially target heroes, jerks, The Man, and the one guy who keeps saying, “We’re all gonna die.” Luckily, zombies will often spare pregnant ladies, the unassuming nice guy, and small children if they’re relevant to the plot. The case for hot chicks is somewhat up in the air. On the one hand, there’s a good chance you will be attacked very early on in the game, and it will be spectacular. However, should you befriend the unassuming nice guy, you’ll probably make it through the whole mess. The downside is that you’ll fall in love with the unassuming nice guy. Nobody wants that.

Be very careful in forming your group. You know that poker saying that if you can’t spot the sucker at the table, it’s you? If you’re in a group with a pregnant lady, an adorable little girl, and the sweet but misunderstood nerd guy, guess who’s gonna get eaten next. Don’t get too attached to anybody in the group as chances are they’ll get bitten and you’ll have to decapitate them right as they transform and scream, “WHYYYY?!”

The next step is to locate a place to hunker down. These are the main criteria of a good hiding place: no zombie entrances, plenty of emergency exits, and a stash of food. Elevated areas are a plus, as zombies can’t climb walls (with the exception of rage zombies). They however can climb stairs, so don’t get stuck on the roof of the Green Building.

Once you’ve settled down, prepare to get overrun by zombies. This will happen just as things appear to be safe. Power will almost certainly go out (yes, even at MIT), and the horde will be upon you. Fight them as best you can and remember to do at least one noble thing so you have a reason to be saved. When the end looks near, don’t worry. Zombies are always defeated by a deus ex machina. Just close your eyes, and before you know it, the growling sounds of the predatory undead will be replaced by the joyous whoosh of napalm raining down.

Charles Lin is wishing everyone a spoooooky Halloween.