When I first heard of <i>Iron Man 2</i>, I felt my expectations torn between two conflicting masters. On the one hand, the film is a sequel to <i>Iron Man </i>and contains everything that I love in a movie: robots, explosions, and a protagonist who isn’t Shia LaBoeuf. On the other hand, the movie is a sequel, period. Nothing is better the second time around; from KISS reunion tours to warfare in Iraq, sequels are always a mistake. So not surprisingly, the film fails to live up to its predecessor. If watching <i>Iron Man</i> was like the first prime steak you ever had, then watching Iron Man 2 is like following it up with a veggie burger and a tofu salad.
Watching Sherlock Holmes is a bit like going to the circus: loud noises, moving objects and bright colors — but no substance. Although fairly entertaining, Holmes relies too heavily on Robert Downey Jr., who singlehandedly elevates the film above mediocrity as if he were LeBron and Holmes the 2009 Cleveland Cavaliers. Holmes follows the hero (Robert Downey Jr.) and his sarcastic sidekick Dr. Watson (Jude Law) as they tackle a conspiracy to bring down the British government.
A<i>vatar</i> is like <i>Planet Earth</i> if it were 100 times more violent and all of the boring animals (I’m looking at you, ground sloths) were replaced by machine guns. If the CGI industry were a boxing match, going up against <i>Avatar</i> would be like fighting a Kodiak bear made out of flamethrowers. Over the course of over 200 glorious minutes, <i>Avatar</i> coldly and systematically makes the entirety of the rest of the film industry look like a handy-cam Youtube video of cats using a litter box. With a pure, creamy blend of wildlife and sci-fi helicopter battles, the film perfectly captures the crossover market between a National Geographic special and <i>Blackhawk Down</i>, and is one of the most stunning movies ever made.
Have you ever seen an eight-year-old child headbanging? Ever had a bearded, screaming stranger claim that he could be your own personal therapist? Ever seen an eleven-year-old wearing a shirt declaring that “The All-American Rejects Are Really Good Looking”? If so, you probably need professional help, but you might also have attended Taking Back Sunday and the All-American Rejects’ concert at the intimate Showcase Live last week.
Watching Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen is a bit like seeing a plane full of bacon and supermodels smash into a fireworks factory: Even though the explosions are awesome and there are awesome things everywhere, it is still pretty much a tragedy. As Shia LaBoeuf himself has found time and time again, looking good does not really compensate for being excessively dumb.
Hoobastank is a lot like the hula-hoop. Everybody knows that they still exist somewhere and that people used to really like them, but it’s been so long since they’ve done anything remotely memorable that no one actually knows what’s happened to them. Clocking in at a tepid thirty-eight minutes, <i>For(N)ever</i> resembles a married couple’s 25th anniversary night activities: too short to be satisfying, but mediocre enough that you’re still glad it’s over quickly.
MIT food is a lot like Michael Bolton’s music — it’s kind of funny how bad it is at first, but after an extremely short while it gets old and eventually kills you. While part of this is due to the unavoidable nature of college food, MIT is noticeably lacking in one department: real, all-you-can-eat dining halls.
If “The Notebook” humped a car chase, the unholy spawn that was produced would be “Quantum of Solace.” Much like a Miss USA contestant named Mildred, the latest Bond film is visually impressive, has a stupid name, and is pretty much devoid of substance. While it features top-shelf action and is extremely exciting throughout, the latest incarnation of James Bond simply lacks the cool confidence that sets the franchise apart from every other secret agent thriller.
Much like a music video by Shakira, <i>Wanted</i> is living, breathing proof that entertainment and quality are often wholly uncorrelated phenomena. At approximately three parts Mortal Kombat fatality and one part Maxim cover, you would be hard pressed to find a more perfect summer blockbuster.
Every year, there are certain movies that stand out from the rest. Some shine as cinematic masterpieces full of magnificent acting and direction. Others push the boundaries of technology and reinvent how movies are made. Still others stand out for telling captivating stories. Whatever the reason, below are our picks for the most significant movies of 2007.
Do you like movies that fail to maintain any coherency whatsoever? How about comedies that are entirely lacking in any actual jokes? Or perhaps you’re a fan of gratuitous full-frontal male nudity, strategically planted so that it surprises you at the least opportune times? If so, then “Walk Hard” is the movie for you. Otherwise, do yourself a favor and never see it, ever.
A seminal moment in the development of the “Superbad” plot (with every pun intended) is the revelation that one of the protagonists is obsessed with drawing male genitalia. The scene progresses through a shameless montage of phallic artistry that effectively sums up the film as a whole: much like watching a car crash between two fertilizer trucks, “Superbad” both shocks and disgusts, yet leaves the audience absolutely spellbound. Essentially, if you can’t appreciate the humor and splendor of a picture of a human-sized penis leading a marching band down the street, you should probably not watch this movie.
Watching <i>Spider-Man 3</i> is like dating a hermaphrodite: no matter what you’re into, you’re bound to find something that you like. The Spider-Man franchise has been mostly based on cheesy romance and violence, and this third installment is no exception, delivering all of the 3-D panning fight scenes and life lessons that one could ever want. Throughout the film, Peter Parker/Spider-Man (Tobey Maguire) fights with his best friend Harry (James Franco), evil villains, his girlfriend Mary Jane (Kirsten Dunst), and the demons in his own soul, which, as Dr. Phil could tell you, are the hardest to excise. The Spider has obviously bitten again.