Dealing with third wheeling
Advice for a third wheel
"hi auntie matter! so i have a bit of a Situation on my hands... i'm a transfer student, so i was at a different school last year. i was friends with someone (let's call them K), but we had a friendship fallout last semester. since i transferred, i thought we would both just move on with our lives.
however, my close friend T just told me they've been dating K for a while now, and long story short, they both want to stay in my life. i'm a little conflicted... on one hand, i don't think K meant any harm during our fallout, i just handled it badly and was really overwhelmed at the time, so i feel like i owe it to them to be a less shitty person myself. on the other, it's awkward being the third wheel and i really did want to start fresh, yk? now i don't know what relationship/friendship i should have with either of them anymore. any advice is appreciated!"
—conflicted capybara
Dear conflicted capybara,
This sounds complex.
First, let’s focus on T, who you describe as a “close friend.” You express confusion at what sort of relationship you should have with T.
If T is someone who has stuck it out with you not only through the good times, but also the bad, and if you still feel like their friendship is valuable to you outside the context of this relationship, then it seems like you should consider an honest, if perhaps initially awkward, continuation of your friendship. If this is not the case, then they may not honestly be a “close friend,” but that’s a separate issue. I would urge you against abruptly cutting off or muting your friendship with T.
The way forward with T is honesty. Reaffirm to T that you are their friend, but that you also have history with K (in case they don’t know). And it seems like the friendship fallout with K was not one-sided: you acknowledge that you handled the situation badly at the time. Explain that it will take time, but you support them, even if from afar from a bit. Perhaps also explain that if you seem distant to T in the presence of K (whether physically or in conversation), that this is the reason why. This gives you the space to “start fresh” while also staying communicative and not ghosting your friend.
The way forward with K is probably going to be a bit more difficult, I imagine. Plus, if you talk to T, they will probably talk to K, so you’ll want to talk to both individually. Here, I think you should reiterate a lot of the points from before, but now framed as you wanting to be cordial and as un-awkward as possible for everyone’s sake.
There are two main directions for this conversation, though. You could rekindle a friendship with K for T’s sake. Alternatively, you could rekindle the friendship independent of that, in the context of your specific friend breakup. In many circumstances, this second option seems healthier — K will feel like it’s more authentic, rather than something you’re forcing yourself to do for T’s sake. Of course, if you go with this option, it may still be obvious to all that you are at least partially trying to rekindle the relationship only because T is dating K.
But there is a middle ground here: that T dating K inspired you to reflect on your relationship with K independent of T. This, I think, is a decent compromise because it disentangles your relationship with K from that with T, while still acknowledging the elephant in the room. I would hope this leads to more authentic conversation and less overthinking on everyone’s part.
There’s a world where this doesn’t totally work out. Maybe you stay close friends with T, but you and K agree to be cordial, nothing more, and support T. That scenario is still a partial win because at least everyone, including you, understands where everyone else stands. But — unless you don’t have the emotional capacity right now — automatically distancing yourself from both T and K without talking to them would not be the move.
Finally, the fact that you’ve thought through this whole situation and are seeking advice already suggests you are a conscientious person. However the situation plays out, I’m proud that you have spent time mulling it over. Sending virtual hugs from afar.
Best,
Auntie Matter