IAP Horoscopes
Aquarius
If you haven’t completed your swim test yet, this IAP is the month to do it. The alignment of Jupiter and Earth’s Moon increase your buoyancy by approximately 12 percent. Be extra careful to stay on top of your to-do list; a few much-dreaded tasks may go undone if you don’t exercise a great deal of self-control.
Pisces
Since the first snowfall and the freezing of the Charles River, love has never been so ripe for the harvest. Staying indoors all the time will finally give you the courage to ask out your Patagonia-clad suitor after awkwardly gawking at them all of last semester in 6.006. Take caution, however, Neptune will not protect you from crying after watching Coco.
Aries
Fed up with the general lax attitude of IAP and the credit limit, you decide to create a groundbreaking start-up. The fire inside of you allows you to overcome any obstacle, for Mars will enter Orion’s belt on the eve of your official launch. The world will now know the brilliance of mechanized snow-cone throwers!
Taurus
Now is not the time to be loose with your spare change. You need to tighten your purse strings and live frugally this month. The current location of Neptune in its orbit will cause you financial strain in the coming months. Now’s a good time to write out a budget. And double check last year’s taxes...
Gemini
Now that classes are over, IAP is the perfect time to climb the social ladder in your UROP lab. Whether through raw talent or natural charm, Alpha Centauri Proxima entering the mouth of Ursa Major will grant a +2 bonus to Charisma. Make sure to maintain all 5,000 of your Snapchat streaks!
Cancer
Your future this month is very unclear. Cancers are greatly affected by the motions of Pluto this month, but since Pluto is no longer considered a planet (by humans), it is unclear how much weight this will have on your life. Be sure to attend Prof. Robert Weinberg’s talk on Feb. 2 and see where the world of science is in the battle against your species.
Leo
A risk will present itself to you as the month progresses. A particle of dust that collides with another particle of dust in Saturn’s rings will bring you luck; take the risk, the reward will be tremendous. You’ll be really unlucky romantically though. Better to just delete Tinder now to spare yourself the crippling disappointment.
Virgo
This is a month that will make or break friendships. Be cautious of blizzard-weather friends. Make sure to pay attention to your fair-weather friends, who are likely warmer in spirit. Avoid the game Uno at all costs. Make sure to be extra friendly and emotionally vulnerable with new people you meet.
Libra
Better be GRYFFINDOR!
Scorpio
You will be the savior to our sins of procrastination. You will provide your peers answers to 8.223 p-sets, you beautiful soul. Live long and prosper. You are the hero Gotham deserves, not the hero that it needs right now. Amen.
Sagittarius
If you’re on campus right now, leave in order to satisfy your inner wanderlust. Your dorm, MIT’s campus, Cambridge, the Boston-metro area, Mass.: there’s nothing for you here. Make sure to regularly update your Insta so that all your non-Sagittarius friends on campus def get FOMO. The motion of the Kuiper Belt’s third asteroid (zero-indexed) suggests that you’ll get at least one new follower.
Capricorn
Try two new cheeses this month. Gouda and feta just won’t cut it. Around the 17th, you’ll be struck with an inexplicable need to expand your palette (not with orthodontics, we just mean trying new foods). Make sure one of the cheeses is spicy and the other is sweet. Despite your lactose intolerance and your gastrointestinal tract being a time bomb like the storm of Jupiter’s Great Red Spot, you will persevere.