On belonging
Reflections on seeing myself in others and others in myself
“We are all leaves of one tree. We are all waves of one sea.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
When I came to MIT — starting from my first visit as a prefrosh at CPW — I was touched and inspired by the kindness and earnestness of the people around me. And yet, I missed the deep friendships and communities I had back home in New Jersey. Despite being surrounded by people, I somehow still often felt alone.
Every subsequent year, this has changed in ways that almost feel miraculous. I made deeper friendships, found places I could call home, and learned how to make myself a home for others. Looking back, I think most would agree that this arc is not unusual.
Starting college means entering a new environment where we don’t yet know anyone, let alone have meaningful relationships with them — all while navigating a totally new lifestyle and physical space. For some of us, this comes right after leaving behind friendships and communities we’d spent 18 years building. Of course, it takes time to find not only our footing, but also our place.
That said, I’ve also come to believe that the feeling of not quite knowing where we belong isn’t a phase characteristic of only certain life transitions. We live on a floating orb somewhere in the middle of who-knows-where, with no context for any of it — is it really so surprising if we feel a little lost sometimes?
A friend once told me that in a world which can feel tremendously big, it’s easy to feel lost and wonder where we belong. In this vast world, it is by seeing others and being seen, caring for others and being cared for, depending on others and being depended on, witnessing vulnerability and being vulnerable ourselves, and — perhaps most importantly — loving and being loved, that we truly know we exist.
But what does love even mean? To me, love is to say, you are mine. Not in any sense of possession or ownership, but in the sense of: I see myself in you, and I see you in me. I care about you the way I care about myself. There can be particular reasons to love — a shared background, admiration for someone’s character, a common interest, sympathy for another’s struggles — but I’ve come to think that our shared experience of being alive on this planet is reason enough. To love simply because you exist and I exist. That, I think, is what it would mean to see the whole world as my own.