Dealing with toxicity
Advice for filtering out the toxic past
How do you move on from a toxic relationship?
—anonymous
Dear anonymous,
The answer is slowly.
Moving on takes time. You’ve tackled one of the first steps: acknowledging that the relationship was toxic. That in itself is a pretty big deal. But where you go from here is really up to you. The answer is almost definitely NOT rushing into another relationship just to fill a void. This can set both you and the other person up for failure, especially for romantic relationships, but also for other kinds of relationships, too: friends, family, etc.
It’s not worth it. Trust me.
People process differently, but sadness will usually peak first. If I were you, I’d brew a cup of tea, throw a little get-together with some friends, and sleep in. But I’m an Auntie, not a college student.
I talked to my son about this, and he said that if he were you, he would probably blast Lana Del Rey and make moody playlists. Then he would drink a **** ton of matcha and hang out with his friends. And when that sadness turns to anger, he would blast house EDM, go on a run, break objects (safely) in a rage room, go to parties with friends, and so on.
Maybe both of these strategies sound ridiculous to you — in which case, find something else that works for you! It will serve you well in the long run, especially since the math says that you’ll probably be in another toxic relationship at some point in your life. Not in a menacing way — just in the inevitable human sense.
But how do you know if some activity “works”? To me, it’s anything that you can move towards to help you process how you feel, so that you’re less focused on moving on from a toxic relationship on some fixed schedule. Maybe that’s a more solitary process. Maybe it involves deep conversations with your close friends. Or something else.
Of course, there are other logistical issues. What if you run into this individual all the time by accident? What do you do if you realize that your friend is close friends with this person? Why was the relationship toxic, and how can you recognize those flags earlier next time? These aren’t questions I can answer for you, but you owe it to yourself to answer them for yourself.
This doesn’t mean locking yourself in a room and figuring it out alone. You should consult a trusting friend, family member, etc. A good start could be talking to someone who is removed from the situation and can offer a fresh perspective. In almost all cases, I would encourage you to talk to trusted people about the situation.
Regardless of how you move forward, I hope you find some strategy that helps you reflect, heal, and grow into a stronger person after this.
Best,
Auntie Matter