Turn Off the Show, Girl
A lifelong Swiftie realizes her GOAT is indeed washed
Photo Courtesy of Republic Records
★☆☆☆☆
The Life of a Showgirl
Taylor Swift
Republic Records
October 3, 2025
This year, October in Cambridge began with a cold snap. At 11:57 pm on the 2nd, as I walked through Central Square in a ratty sweatshirt from my high school’s Science Olympiad team, I saw my phone light up. “Not life of a showgirl being out early,” wrote one of my best friends, whom I’ve known since seventh grade. She added a screenshot of her Apple Music; sure enough, there it was: Taylor Swift’s The Life of a Showgirl. These 12 sparkly orange-and-green tracks were ready for the world. But was I, a lifelong Swiftie, ready for them?
Short answer: no. If any aspect of the circumstances in which I first listened to Showgirl prophesied the album’s content, it would be the sudden change in temperature, not the nostalgic comfort of long-time friendship. The Life of a Showgirl is the nadir of T. Swizzle’s corpus in lyrics, production, vocals, and visuals. I don’t know if her reputation (ha) will ever recover.
The Fate of Ophelia
Pros: Max Martin/Shellback did a good job on the production. The tune is fun and danceable; I’m sure that it will soundtrack lots of homecoming dances this fall.
Cons: Swift’s remarkably light on the Shakespeare references, besides a throwaway reference to drowning that echoes the (hideous) album cover more than Millais’s famous painting. Why is there not a single reference to Hamlet’s “Paint an inch thick”? Especially for an album celebrating showgirls? I’m not faulting Taylor for misinterpreting literature, per se — “Love Story” is a stone-cold classic, and it ends with Romeo and Juliet driving off into the sunset — but I think she should stop claiming the title of “English teacher” if she doesn’t read.
Rating: 2.5/10
Elizabeth Taylor
Pros: This is my favorite song on the album — maybe more accurately, my least least favorite. The drums and judiciously placed backup vocals lend a much-needed urgency to the track. Unlike “Wood” (see below), her breathy “ah”s work here. I also liked the line “Be my NY when Hollywood hates me,” although I’m not sure why — maybe because TS so consciously aligns herself with suburbia for much of the rest of the album?
Cons: The bridge is boring. It feels like she just Googled “elizabeth taylor’s most known characteristics.” I’ve always said that one of Taylor Swift’s best traits as a writer is her ability to imbue incredibly specific moments with universally relatable emotions; when she relies on someone else’s biography, I’m often let down.
Rating: 5/10
Opalite
Pros: Passable beat and vocals here. I would have definitely listened to this at 14 in a park with my friends.
Cons: I know that one million middle schoolers are about to go crazy over the whole “onyx night” versus “opalite sky” thing. The weather/sky metaphor is both underbaked — at some point, lightning becomes a speed bump — and pushed too far. (Surely a billionaire can find cowriters who can do better than “You had to make your own sunshine.”) It’s giving ChatGPT.
Rating: 3/10
Father Figure
Pros: Her voice has gotten better.
Cons: “Your thoughtless ambition sparked the ignition / On foolish decisions, which led to misguided visions” is characteristic of a 2020s-era Swiftian problem: bloated, adjective-heavy lyrics that make no sense. Plus, the George Michael sample doesn’t work. Skip.
Rating: 1/10
Eldest Daughter
Pros: I guess it’s good that she knows her birth order?
Cons: Everything else, especially the lines “Every eldest daughter / Was the first lamb to the slaughter / So we all dressed up and we looked fire.” I felt my heart shrink three sizes over the course of this song. So, so lame. And for a Track 5? Guys.
Rating: 0/10
Ruin The Friendship
Pros: It’s interesting and impressive that she can make her voice sound younger when she sings about high school, but probably a consequence of being famous for 20 years.
Cons: I hate to criticize a song where she discusses a real person’s death, but I couldn’t get through this one. Sonically, it’s a snoozefest.
Rating: 2/10
Actually Romantic
Pros: I like the backing and tempo on this one. Also, I’m a “Better Than Revenge” fan, so it feels a little weird to criticize a Taylor song for putting down another woman…
Cons: BUT. This song is really quite misogynistic, and I’m also weirded out by the fact that Charli XCX’s “Sympathy is a knife” isn’t a diss track and Taylor chose to react with an openly hostile, aggressively sexual but deeply unerotic hairflip.
Rating: 0.5/10
Wi$h Li$t
Pros: No way.
Cons: Come on. In what world would this song be romantic? Why is one of America’s most famous self-proclaimed feminists romanticizing being barefoot in the kitchen? Also, “Please God, bring me a best friend I think is hot” — are those your vows? If I was Travis Kelce, I’d be offended.
Rating: 0/10
Wood
Pros: The instrumentals (which are straight-up stolen from the Jackson 5). I’m happy that she and Travis are physically compatible!
Cons: It’s all too much information, none of it very well expressed, but despite all the fawning over Kelce’s “manhood,” I still know very little about him as a person.
Rating: 1/10
CANCELLED!
Pros: ???
Cons: Babe, get offline. “Did you girlboss too close to the sun” is just stupid. To what “underworld” do you belong? The NFL wives’ club? The simultaneous victim and villain personae are making less and less sense as she spends more and more time topping charts and receiving undue adulation from formerly respectable music critics.
Rating: 0/10
Honey
Pros: I always like it when she draws out words: huhhh-knee. Plus, “forever night stand” is a legitimately fun play on words.
Cons: She’s had much better love songs that acknowledge the pressures of fame. I don’t know what to say. Stream “Ours” or “Delicate.”
Rating: 3/10
The Life of a Showgirl (Ft. Sabrina Carpenter)
Pros: Sabrina Carpenter has a lovely, rich voice and a great sense of humor when she sings — the whispery note that “her mother took pills and played tennis” is perfectly tongue-in-cheek. I wish this song was just her.
Cons: “Legitly” rhyming with “Kitty,” “pretty,” and “witty.” The lyrics generally. Taylor’s vocals, which pale in comparison to Sabrina’s.
Rating: 3/10
Final Verdict
The Life of a Showgirl is several times worse than its predecessor The Tortured Poets Department (2024) — no easy feat given that TTPD contained the lyric “touch me while your bros play Grand Auto.” At least last year’s Taylor was memorable. This time around, she just sounds like she’s out of ideas. Comparing this record to even older ones, like my personal favorites Speak Now and Red, filled me with outrage. I felt myself wondering why I had listened; even more, I asked why I’ve adored Taylor Swift for half my life.
There’s no clear answer to either question — inertia, loyalty, masochism, hope, an utter lack of taste? In any event, I’ve grown tired of Swift’s utterly lifeless show.