Making New Connections
Finding the “friends” in “friends-to-lovers”
As a first-year girl, I have been feeling really single watching all the upperclassmen couples and hearing about high school sweethearts. However, since my past relationship has been toxic, I am really careful and want to become good friends with someone before I decide if I want something more. So my goal is to meet and to become friends with many new people before I find ‘the one.’
But after FPOP and orientation, I have found it extremely difficult to expand beyond the bubble of people that I already know, and I have been afraid of going out of my way to meet new people. I feel that it is now awkward to sit down with a stranger and introduce myself because it isn't the beginning of the school year anymore where everyone is excited to meet someone new. And this is very difficult with guys because I don't want to give the wrong idea.
- Single in Distress
Dear Single in Distress,
I hear you! All the lovebirds flocking around campus could make even the stoniest of hearts crave the warm, fuzzy feeling of comfort that a relationship seems to bring. Your mindset for approaching relationships is a great one, though! Becoming friends with someone is one of the best ways — if not the best way — to get a read on their character, beliefs, and compatibility with you.
All this being said, it’s definitely difficult to befriend new people if you’re struggling to meet them, and it’s even harder if you’re nervous about the other person misunderstanding your intentions. I’d encourage you to embrace this awkwardness; although the rush of meeting people (think CPW or REX) has long since passed, this doesn’t mean that they’re not open to new friendships.
In fact, I’d venture to say that there are probably tons of people out there just like you — they have a little bubble of people they enjoy being around, but would love to find new connections across campus. So, next time you spot someone in the Stud who’s wearing a sweater you absolutely adore, or who has a sticker on their computer of a character from your favorite show, maybe tap them on the shoulder and let them know! A simple “Can I sit here?” followed by a “I love your jacket by the way — where did you get it?” could be the start of a new friendship.
The people you approach don’t have to be strangers, either. You’ve probably heard this many times, but I’ll say it again: classes are a great way to meet new people! Even in a huge lecture, it’s a lot easier to strike up a conversation with your classmate than to approach a stranger in a dining hall. For example, you could talk about the last pset or ask for clarification on what the professor wrote on the blackboard.
You seem worried about approaching guys and being misjudged. This can be tough, especially if you don’t necessarily want to start these friendships with romantic intentions. Depending on the person and the situation, a genuine friendship could still bloom despite initial misunderstandings. If you find yourself getting closer to a guy, and you’re still not certain whether your relationship is platonic, don’t be afraid to directly clarify this with him! Chances are, if your ideas differ, it’ll reduce down to an awkward laugh. If he reacts badly, though, then maybe it’s time to reconsider if this is someone you want as a friend.
However, your feelings should always take priority in these situations. If you don’t feel safe or comfortable approaching unfamiliar guys, don’t force yourself to do so! Instead, approach people you are comfortable around. And maybe, down the line, a friend will introduce you to one of their friends — this could make the meeting feel more organic.
Finally, and most importantly, the lovebirds on campus may be happy, but you don’t need to be a lovebird to find joy in life. I promise that you will find people in your life — friends, family, and other people who care about you — who are ready to give you love and support. Platonic relationships can’t replace romantic ones and vice versa, but hopefully they alleviate your “distress.”
Wishing you all the luck in your journey to find new connections,
Auntie Matter