On Friend “Groups”
Advice for when everyone else seems to have tons of friends
some context: in high school i was extremely antisocial, but i’ve honestly realized a lot of it was self-imposed in some way or another. i am trying to change that in college, and i genuinely have! i’m a freshman, and this year i’ve made more friends here than during all of high school. i feel more confident and outgoing, which i think has also done numbers for my mental health — i love that i am able to talk to people now.
however, i still feel like i’m behind socially compared to my peers because i don’t have a solid "friend group" that i hang out with. i am on good terms with people and i have "friends" in the sense that we do homework together and sometimes hang out individually. in a lot of ways, i’m jealous of some of my friends that already have established friend groups, and i also feel like i don’t know how to try to join a friend group, much less form one. after talking to some of my friends, i think this situation is actually more prevalent than i thought.
unfortunately, my dorm's floor is very antisocial (besides a few people that i don’t talk to regularly) and i don’t feel connected with most of them. i usually cook for myself too, so i feel like i’m missing out on eating with other people in the dining halls, but i like the food i cook and wouldn’t want to pay to be on the meal plan.
i think a lot of this is just fomo and it’s kinda all just in my head (if that makes sense), but i still think forming a solid friend group would also be great for classes/homework/generally being able to socialize more. do you have advice on ways of joining a friends' friend group (i think like asking directly is wayyy too awkward) or socializing in general? i’ve realized (a little late) that i’m interested in joining an fsilg, and i plan on joining a club or two at the start of my sophomore fall, but what are some things i can start doing right now? or is this really all just fomo — and i don’t actually need a "friend group," even though i really want one?
— Tofu Luvr
Dear Tofu Luvr,
Thanks for reaching out. First of all, I implore you to not compare yourself to your peers and worry about being “behind” them. I’m not too sure how you are coming to this conclusion, but there’s a good chance that the information here is incomplete. Social media — yes, even BeReal — can be pretty misleading. Even if you physically see your peers out and about with different people all the time, this isn’t necessarily something that’s healthy for you to strive for. I’ve met many people who seem to have a lot of friends, but in reality, just have a bunch of acquaintances. I’m not saying that’s what your peers are doing, but it's something to keep in mind.
If you’re happy with your current number of friends, that’s perfectly valid, and I would recommend you worry more about how you feel instead of how you appear to others. After all, having fewer, but quality, friends is not inherently bad. On the flip side, if you find yourself feeling lonely, that’s also valid! We are all different.
Anyway, the best way to join a friend group? It’s to get organically absorbed into it. It sounds like you already kind of know some people in the group you want to join. Spend one-on-one time with the people you already know well! Ask them to grab lunch, pull up to parties or clubs with them, whatever your vibes are. Ideally, over time, you’ll get introduced to the other people in this group. Then you can hang out with them! I understand that asking semi-friends to hang out might be a challenge (it certainly is for me). And I won’t lie and say that the worst they can say is “no,” because, well, people can certainly say MUCH worse! But if they do, perhaps that’s a sign that this friend group is not for you. Don’t try to force yourself to mix with a friend group that doesn’t seem receptive to you! At the same time, don’t let it stop you from being friends with individuals in that group. Also, the proposed outing doesn’t need to be fancy: a boba run or study session are perfectly fine suggestions.
My recommendation about the floor situation is simple, independent of the financials or logistics of switching: do it. Switch to a new community. It’s clear that you want something out of your community that you aren’t getting. You seem to want to cook with people, which is wonderful! Put yourself in a community where you can do that. Switching can be scary, but since you’ve identified your living community as a place where you won’t be able to connect with people in the way that you want to, I think the choice is clear. As someone who has switched living communities, it was a scary, but great decision. I only wish I did it sooner. My second suggestion, regardless of your decision to move: try to reach out to anyone in your current community whom you could see yourself befriending. Some people may seem shy or anxious upon first impression — maybe you’ll end up making a close friend after all!
My final pieces of advice: the idealized friend groups that you see in person or on Instagram are not reality. People drift apart. Different sub-groups form. Sometimes, people will have beef with each other, even if they don’t show it. I wouldn’t focus on forming friend “groups” — just make individual friends and see what happens! Also, you could totally rush an FSILG as a sophomore, if the people there are your vibe. Be spontaneous — let yourself get dragged to a club meeting and meet cool people. Introduce yourself!
On the note about asking to join a friend group “directly”: you don’t need to! This isn’t an exclusive club (hopefully?). You could just ask your friend to get dinner with you and their friends, because their friends are cool people and you want to meet them. Pull up to events that you know they’re all at (ex: birthday parties, etc.), and when you’re at those events, don’t just talk to people you already know well. Talk to those you don’t know well! It seems like you might thrive socially in an environment where you both know a decent chunk of people already but don’t know everyone. If you take advantage of those kinds of situations, I think you’ll do great.
Best,
Auntie Matter