Dealing with neighbors and crushes
Advice for when the stakes are elevated
Someone above (or beside?) me keeps making loud noises. Sounds like moving furniture. I gave the person I thought was above me chair pads but it hasn't changed anything.
Dear Noise Hater,
Auntie’s family wanted to address this issue, as well as expand and generalize a bit in ways that may be more applicable to others. To address your issue specifically, though, a few general guiding suggestions:
Identify the established quiet hours for your dorm/floor/suite/etc. If you don’t have any rules right now, now is the time to reach out and codify them. Are they always the same? Different during finals week? Different on weekends? Some people might just assume that “quiet hours” is at a different time than you.
Assuming the noise is late at night and repetitive, it’s time to escalate, but gently. For example, loudly cursing out an entire community for the noise of a few on a public forum would be a bad move. But walking to the offender, knocking firmly, and asking them to stop should work fine, in the short term. Of course, confronting a stranger like this can be anxiety-inducing, so it's not for everyone. Sending them a text or leaving a friendly note can also work!
If it’s a continuous problem, you can escalate to a GRA to help mediate — and at this point, you have enough evidence that you tried to stop things.
In general, most neighborly problems can be solved by respectful confrontation and problem-solving: texting, asking in person, offering solutions. Most of the time, people just need to hear the same thing a few different ways for it to click.
Sometimes you have to cut your losses. We’re guessing we’ll get questions where the conflict is much more tense and stressful and prolonged. We’re glad this isn’t at that point yet (from what you’ve told us.)
Best of luck,
Auntie’s Family
Idk that this is a dilemma. Just me tapping and getting stuff off my chest. I’ll give each person a name different (very different) from their real names. Situation 1) The 1st, let’s call him Thomas Jefferson because he gives me elegant yard outdoorsman vibes. Like “I live in a cabin in a grove near the city where I read books in a trench coat and my hair always looks good without trying” vibes. The 2nd, let’s call him Peter Pan. I can say less because Peter Pan says it all. This man is so attentive, so thoughtful, and he’s always listening even when you think he isn’t. But apparently dude can also tear up the dance floor. The 3rd, let’s call him Dr. Seuss. He’s a sophomore studying Biomed Engineering at [REDACTED BY AUNTY] who I went out to a cafe with during Thanksgiving break since he asked if I was home for the holiday to meet up. The 4th, let’s call him Thomas. He makes me feel the same way Thomas in Maze Runner did when Teresa showed up 😒. Like I’m standing right here in front of the tv and all you can pay attention to is Teresa. I mean I guess in real life Teresa is an amazing person so the situation, though analogous, is different. I guess my problem is that I don’t know how to figure out whether I like someone, or whether I just like the idea of them.
Dear Confused as Hell,
We appreciate your question and applaud you for recognizing that you may only like the “idea” of someone rather than their actual self. If you find yourself projecting your own desires onto other people—making up aspects of their character, for example, even when you don't actually know them—then, maybe, it's time to step back and reevaluate. Have you heard of limerence? It’s kind of when you're infatuated with someone, but you're driven by a desire to have your feelings reciprocated, often in a parasocial way. Entering a state of limerence can be fun at first, but it's draining and unrealistic.
Now, let’s get to the core of your question. Our answer is perhaps frustratingly simple: spend more time with each of these people, as that’s the best way to see how someone acts. Alongside paying attention to what other people — notably, people you trust—say about them, your first-hand experience is also important. Are they nice to you? Are they respectful to other people? Most importantly, can you two lay the foundation for a strong long-term relationship? If you want to figure out if you like someone, you shouldn’t be afraid of one of these answers being “no.”
You might wonder what the best way to spend more time with these people is, but we can’t say — only you can. For Dr. Seuss, stay in contact via text and video chat during the school year, especially since he’s not in Boston. For the rest, do what feels organic to you, whether it's lunch, dinner, psetting, running to get ice cream, gallivanting around Newbury, sailing, or anything else. We encourage you to not be afraid of rejection: it's part of life. If any of the other three guys repeatedly declines your invitations to hang out, that could be a sign that maybe they're not feeling the same way, and that's perfectly okay! We hope that this gives you closure instead of sorrow.
Ultimately, we think you can’t be afraid of shattering any idealizations you may have about your semi-crushes. The best solution is to spend time with them and get to know who they really are, outside of your head. First, absorb all the information about them you can, and then think about next steps. If you want to pursue a relationship, hats off for doing so responsibly and thoughtfully. Or maybe you’ll conclude that a relationship is not the move now. Either possibility is valid.
Best of luck!