Dear Brother
Take me back to 2015
Vivian Hir–The Tech
Dear Brother,
I have been thinking about you a lot this past week, especially your younger self. I am not sure why I decided to dig up the videos and photos that I took during middle school on my iPhone 4. Part of the reason was that I was bored and did not feel motivated to work on assignments due a week later, so I decided to procrastinate by going through my digital archives. But perhaps the underlying reason was this subconscious desire to revisit your past self.
I still can’t believe that the videos and photos I have of you are almost a decade old. You were in fourth grade, while I was in sixth. You were inseparable from your stuffed animal Chirpy, and so was I. The small, yellow duck was an extension of you—adored for its cute voice, and loved for its upbeat personality. When I found the videos with you and Chirpy, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I forgot what exactly happened in those videos, but guessed they involved Chirpy doing something silly. I was right, but forgot that we talked about random things like potatoes or pupils.
In one video, your potty humor joke got stuck in my brain; the phrase’s cadence and beat sounded like a catchy remix one would find on today’s TikTok. I watched the iMovie trailer called “Chirpy—The Weird Bird,” and “Escape—a True Story,” the other trailer we made in the summer of 2015. Both were incredibly cringe, but I laughed so loudly that I wondered if my neighbors could hear me across the thin walls. I won’t go into details about some of the videos because it would be embarrassing to write it all out here, but watching them instantly brought me back to my childhood. Honestly, I laughed the most I had in a while.
After I finished watching the videos, I sent them to you and our parents because I wanted to remind you of our past lives, and then went to bed. Although I fell asleep within a reasonable time, I spent some time thinking about how much I missed the younger you. I know that I don’t really get anything out of missing the younger you besides simply feeling more reminiscent: no one stays a child forever, people grow up, and life just keeps moving. As the years passed by and you grew older, I gradually forgot about your childhood self. But those videos captured the relationship we had when we were children. It wasn’t until I watched the videos now as a young adult that I realized how much has been lost between us over time.
Although we still text each other regularly and have brief calls every week, our relationship feels much more distant than before. Part of the growing distance was inevitable—you go to college in the Midwest, while I am in New England. Technically, you left home a year earlier than me for boarding school, even though I am two years older than you. The only time we get to see each other is when we return home during winter or summer break.
It’s unfortunate that when I sometimes call you, I end up not knowing what to say to you after five minutes of small talk. Surely there must be more to talk about other than college and life updates. I miss the times I hung out in your room before I left home for college, sometimes chatting to you about random things, or simply existing next to you.
I miss the camaraderie we once had. Sure, we still tease each other, but it’s not the same as what the videos captured. I miss how playful, lighthearted, and nonchalant we once were. I wonder if the change wasn’t really under our control and just a reflection of the transition from childhood to adulthood.
As I reflected upon the videos, I realized that I took many things for granted: your presence, your childlike humor, and your carefree nature. Even though we sometimes fought as siblings, I remember the happy memories we shared together. At the time, I didn’t consider how I would look back on the videos nine years later with nostalgia. The idea that we would eventually become adults and live our own separate lives was so far away.
One thing that stood out to me in the videos was how close we were. I didn’t think too much about the nature of our relationship at that time; I thought ours was ordinary. When I compare our current relationship to our past one, however, I can’t help but feel sad that we have drifted apart quite a bit. We’ve always had different personalities and interests, but they weren’t apparent until I met your guy friends this year. Our current social circles are total opposites. Never had I felt so out of place before.
I consider your friend group to be fratty and preppy, while you think mine is nerdy and lame. I never understood why you enjoy partying and clubbing with your friends, while you never understood why I like spending my weekend nights going to classical music concerts. That’s just one example of our conflicting differences. We judge each other when we shouldn’t and sometimes fail to understand each other. Other times, the text messages we send each other are critical and negative. I admit that I’ve contributed to this problem, and I am sorry for this.
Although this letter has taken a negative turn, I don’t want to end it on a sad note. I acknowledge that our relationship has changed a lot, but I am grateful that we still regularly keep in touch, even if it is a short text exchange or a brief phone call. I cherish the time we have together, even if that means a few weeks out of the entire year.
I wish I had told you this before I left, but it was fun spending a week with you in New York City this past summer. I still remember the dinner we had at BCD Tofu House and I told you stories of my social ineptitude while you listened intently; you stared at me in horror, which made it even funnier. I think about the time we got ice cream at Van Leeuwen after the jazz club performance and you took a candid picture of me using your Sony camera. I never really liked how I look in photos, but it was a photo that I truly liked—my eyes crinkled in joy, and my smile was genuine. The week was short, but I am glad that we got to spend a lot of time together exploring the city through the meals we ate, the fun activities we did, and the long conversations we had in the apartment.
I am aware that the time we get to see each other is limited, but I am thankful for the countless memories we’ve shared together. You are the closest reminder I have of my childhood, as so much of your past is interwoven into mine. I hope that we can remain close despite our uncertain futures.
Your older sister,
Vivian