On Freshman Fall: Fears and the Firehose
Advice for insecurities and fears that afflict us all
I am just another freshman, trying to make sense of it all. I feel like I have too much going on, trying to do many things at once, with hard classes, trying to make diverse new friends, and trying to find clubs that define me and my hobbies. I feel like there’s a constant push to figure out who I am or what I’m supposed to be doing, but it’s very hard. And then there’s dating, with the November rule, my *super* active roommate, and a bunch of other stuff. How can I find peace in the storm without always feeling the overbearing burden of opportunity cost on my shoulders?
Dear Chocolate Cookie,
While you self-describe as “just another freshman,” the commonality of your problems doesn’t make them any less valid. Your concerns are still important, so much so that the entirety of the Matter family wanted to respond as one, hopeful that it will benefit others. There’s no denying it: freshman fall is overstimulating. Maybe you heard that people meet their college-besties-for-life in freshman year. That sentiment, and others like it, terrifies people. Some of us are upperclassmen, and even we fear that we didn’t do enough at MIT.
Maybe we read too much into it—but you described trying to find clubs that define you and your hobbies. It’s worth asking yourself if that statement could be inverted, where you let your hobbies define your clubs. Or perhaps you could let your friends drag you to a club meeting, where the worst case is that you pass time with a friend, but the best case is that you find a club you vibe with. In terms of quantity, lots of people “only” do 1-2 clubs their whole time at MIT. Others do a lot. Neither is better nor worse. We hope you are careful with letting this define too much of your self-perception.
You say you want to figure out who you are. As a freshman, we encourage you to try a bunch of different things, as you already seem to do, but also enable you to leave when it's not worth it anymore. For example, maybe you pull up to a dormspammed event to see what the vibes are. But if you don’t like it? Then politely leave. Maybe the guys at some frat party are off-putting—you can dip and have your own night out. Learning what you don’t vibe with—activities and people alike—is just as valuable as figuring out what you’re “supposed” to be doing. Spending a semester or 2 or 3 like this to get a grasp of MIT’s academics, community, clubs, and so on is fine. You have the rest of your life to benefit from all this extra information you're gonna learn about yourself. A semester or two is not a wasted “opportunity cost.” Your happiness, time, and health are not commodities, and you can’t trade them away for a future.
Now I want to talk about the interpersonal relationship concerns you bring up.
Let’s start with friends. You mentioned wanting to diversify your friend group. Some of Auntie’s family also wonder about this. However, we believe there’s two broad ways to go about this. First, you put yourself out there, going to clubs or parties or dorms or events with people you wouldn’t normally, but might want to be friends with. It doesn’t have to be alone—bring a friend with you, and see what cool new people you both meet! Second, you see people in the spaces you are already in that you aren’t already friends with—you probably have similar interests, at the very least. Both approaches are cool and unique.
Yes, you might be rejected, or maybe the friendship you kindle won’t stick. This will hurt. It will be hard, especially when the novelty of MIT fades a bit, and freshmen are less receptive. But I encourage you to try. Most people on campus are not overtly mean. Even making an acquaintance is a win.
Let’s pivot to romantic relationships. The November Rule is a very barebones edict. It exists because freshmen should develop their own independent friendship circle and support system before entering a committed, intimate relationship. A romantic relationship requires a lot of effort, and if you’re combining that with the stress of figuring out who you are as a person, your academic and career interests, and your new friendships, it’s likely that the relationship will not work out. I would caution against jumping into a relationship until you’re confident that you have a friendship safety net for the worst-case scenario (a bad breakup). This could be after November 1st. I hope you recognize that there is no pride in rushing into romantic relationships for the sake of it, for the optics, for the vibes. Romance is an investment on both sides that requires stability to be successful.
We aren’t naïve. It will probably sting when you see couples and soft launches and hard launches on people’s stories—one of us even deleted BeReal when the jealousy hit too hard. But taking some time to stabilize yourself at MIT first is an invaluable investment in yourself and your future interpersonal relationships, which is in no way inferior to actually pursuing such relationships immediately.
Finally, you will always meet people, like your roommate, at MIT who seem to be much better at you than something—or maybe all your somethings. That’s MIT for you. But recognize that the opposite is true—that there are people who will look up to you for succeeding at your something. You might doubt me, considering we have no idea who you are. But it doesn’t matter. Maybe it's not something people “traditionally” value—but that doesn’t make it any less important. From your point of view, your roommate seems to take advantage of their strengths, but they might struggle with the same insecurities as you. All that matters is that you take advantage of your strengths, enhance your time at MIT, the relationships you build, the work you complete, the professors you talk to, and most importantly, the life you create for yourself.
You got this, Chocolate Cookie.
With best wishes,
Auntie’s Family