Campus Life sixpence

a portrait painted in nonexistent colors

“i hope i’d make them proud/if every younger version of myself could see me now” - august james, “fever”

Editor-in-chief's Note: The piece contains potentially disturbing suicidal thoughts/ideation, faint themes of SA, and mentions of drinking.

dear past vi,

do you know who you are? looking back at you now, you spend too much time thinking about this question; there is no reason, at least in my mind, that you need to prove that the answer to this question is “a good person.” you never have to ‘prove yourself’ in order to have what you’ve always wanted, because in the end, all you desire is to be heard and seen, and for someone to tell you that you deserve to be happy.

i remember that you spent a lot of time staring at your bedroom wall, silently beating yourself up for every mistake you’ve committed, for every sacrifice you never made, for everything you could’ve done better. you still do that to this day — habits are hard to break, aren’t they?

however, they’re not impossible to break. i know it seems like such an unfeasible task, to change someone as broken and as flawed as you are, but i promise that it happens. so, to show you that it truly is possible, i propose an alternative question: do you want to know who you have become?

i don’t think you would be proud of me, but i think i’m much happier than you ever have been. well, daina said, “you’re much harder on yourself than anyone else” so maybe you would be proud of me. i’m not really sure.

anyways, i’m going to assume that your answer to the second question is yes. here are some moments that define who you grow into:

and your very best is what you’ve given everyone, time and time again. as a certain someone you cut off told you once: “i’m proud of you, for everything you do — to take care of yourself even when it feels like the world is weighing so hard on you.”

now, all you need to do — and can do — is believe in these words. take care of yourself, vi. it’ll serve you a lot more than you think it will.


with love, 

vi trinh