Fun the luddite

Satire: MIT terminates UROP program

Disclaimer: the following content is intended for entertainment purposes only and is to be considered satire. Any names are purely fictional and all references to places, people, and products are purely coincidental.

MIT on Tuesday announced that it would terminate the UROP program effective immediately, citing hindrances to innovation recently brought to light.

The investigation committee at the helm of the decision unearthed numerous transgressions precipitating the change. Among these were students clocking “dozens of hours” for unverifiable work and “slapping their names” on papers for unidentifiable contributions. 

The decision has not evaded student outcry. Davy, a newly minted freshman preparing to “NR” 3.091, was devastated that he couldn’t continue his spicy work in quantum dots with Moungi Bawendi, who recently bagged the Nobel Prize.
“ I was spending thre—thirty hours at the bench working on those iron-oxide nanoparticles,” Davy said. “I really thought I was moving the needle forward.”

The Tech followed-up with Davy to clarify the electron configuration of iron. Davy could not be reached for further comment. 

The Tech spoke with Professor Bawendi about Davy’s termination at the lab. In an expression straddling bliss and relief, he explained, “Had I not taken so many damn UROPs, I would have gone to Stockholm years ago. Everybody in my department would have gone to Stockholm.”