Fun the luddite

Satire: MIT jacks up laundry prices

Disclaimer: the following content is intended for entertainment purposes only and is to be considered satire. Any names are purely fictional and all references to places, people, and products are purely coincidental.

Ever since the Charles was the Quinobequin, the riverside has teemed with creatures of all sorts— from canada geese (for the coats) to herons and rabbits. But the recent hike in dorm laundry prices has forced cash-strapped students to join the flock.

Laundry will now be rated at a dollar a minute, meaning that a 30-minute wash followed by a 60-minute dry will total $90. A routine laundry run will now cost more than dry-cleaning a three-piece suit or bridal gown. The main symptom of the rate hike has been cash-strapped students getting clapped. They’re wading into the Charles to rinse their clothes and erecting clotheslines by the shore to dry them off. 

Jane Calle, a senior who recently signed with a leading quantitative trading firm, lauds the change as “the best thing that’s happened since extra guac.” 

“The worst feeling is when you do your laundry and the next person takes it out before you have a chance to retrieve it,” Jane said. “I think this really solves that problem now that less people are doing laundry.”

Nate Pierce-Collins, a top MIT administrator, explained that the reasoning behind the change was to reduce congestion in the laundry room. In a similar vein as American healthcare, the policy rests on a three-legged stool: high prices, low coverage, and no way out.

In an interview with The Tech, Nate said, “At MIT, we believe students shouldn’t be defined by their tax bracket. We want to encourage shallow-pocketed students to find paid research and teaching opportunities rather than be lazy bums.”

CORRECTION: We removed quotes from two students who couldn’t afford to pay us to care about their opinions.