Opinion satire

Administrators roll out retaliatory self-grading scheme

MIT retaliates in policy as Harvard considers A/A-, guaranteed diplomas

Effective immediately, all undergraduates will be assigning their own final grades for the spring semester.

Rumors of Harvard's consideration of the “A/A-” grading scheme raised alarm in MIT's virtual headquarters last week. Analysts confirm that Institute administrators are releasing this new self-reporting grading scheme to avoid being one-upped by their Ivy League neighbor.

MIT administration believes this is the most humane and accurate grading scheme, and unlike Harvard’s policy, offers students a sure choice in these otherwise unsure times. 

Several professors have even chosen to forego grading individual assignments, placing Teaching Assistants on garden leave. On the other hand, other professors have taken issue with this policy. 

“I don’t agree with the decision, but I don’t call the shots around here,” Course 2 professor Willgit Coronavirus said. “In light of this news, I’ve encouraged my students to collaborate in the grade assignment process. Ideally, we’re going for a normal distribution here, but I understand not all students will be using this policy in good faith.”

Many students have expressed positive sentiments with regard to the new policy, indicating widespread confidence in their abilities to self-assign accurate grades.

“Personally, I’m really enjoying spending time with my family and was planning on missing a few PSETs, so I imagine I’ll be placing myself on the lower end of the distribution,” Course 6 junior Fullov It said. “But yeah, I think it’s a good policy. Who knows how much effort we’ve put into a class better than ourselves? I hope this becomes permanent. We should have been doing this all along!” 

An insider source confirms Harvard administrators’ awareness of MIT’s retaliatory policy, as well as their early-stage drafting of a “Guaranteed Diploma” policy. This would see every undergraduate receiving their degrees at the end of the semester. While much remains to be decided in these uncertain times, I would like to remind readers to stay home, wash your hands, and do still give your problem sets an honest effort.

Anton Peraire-Bueno is a member of the MIT Class of 2022.