Opinion satire

IFC votes to implement “six inch rule” for beer pong

Alternative motion mandating singe-use Solo cups unanimously rejected

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The IFC’s new “six inch rule” requires six inches of distance between cups.
Courtesy of Anton Peraire-Bueno

With local weather channels reporting a high of 70 degrees on Friday, Interfraternity Council (IFC) board members are anticipating a quick resolution to the coronavirus crisis and a prompt return to campus. The president of the MIT IFC called an emergency Zoom meeting last Thursday night to vote on measures to keep the MIT community safe for the remainder of the spring semester.

The first order of business was a vote on a proposed “six inch rule” for beer pong. As stated in the new amendment to the IFC constitution, “All games of Beer Pong must now be played with six inches of separation between cups. Determining which cups qualify as ‘island’ cups is now under the jurisdiction of ‘House Rules.’”

The change was first proposed by IFC risk manager Flatten Thurkurve, who has been working closely with the CDC in drafting the amendment. We reached out to Thurkurve for comment, but were told his internet connection would not support a call. We were, however, able to obtain a written statement.

“Look, none of us are happy about this,” Thurkurve explained over email. “We’re taking COVID-19 very seriously, and this was a very difficult decision for the Council to make. We need everyone to understand that we are in the midst of a global pandemic, and that means that we may need to make sacrifices for the good of our community and country at large.”

While other IFC members refused our invitation for comment, IFC social chair Thipthip Pass enthusiastically accepted our request for virtual interview.

“You know, it’s one of those things where it is what it is,” Pass said. “If separating our cups by six inches means our hospitals are better equipped to handle the influx of patients, then that’s what we’ve gotta do. It’s what the Greeks would have done.”

While the IFC already hails the “Six Inch Rule” as a great success, two other similar measures failed to garner support:

The IFC will soon be voting on a stimulus package. Central to this package is a proposed “Universal Basic Beverage” (UBB) ensuring that each IFC member receive a parcel of Natural Lights delivered to their home every week. The exact number of beverages is still being debated, but sources say six is the most likely outcome so as to ensure “one full day of sobriety.”

Anton Peraire-Bueno is a member of the MIT Class of 2022.