Opinion satire

Year-end bonuses

‘His reductions in basic human rights were inspirational’

In a press conference from the Sarbanes College of Art and Design in Oxley, California, the president of the student union declared that the students would be increasing domestic artistic output thanks to a reduction in overly burdensome basic human rights.

The plan builds on announcements from a number of American corporations of year-end cash bonuses for entry-level employees following the new tax bill. In exchange for indefinitely giving up health insurance, some workers have received bonuses that amount to almost two months’ rent.

“Really it was when President Trump started going after the free press that we knew he meant business,” Justine Stowe wrote. “Social progressivism and equality are really difficult environments to create art in. Over the past couple of years we've been moving more and more production offshore, but his administration has really made us way more competitive with oppressive nations such as Russia and China in inspiring the next generation of art made right here in America.”

Her co-president, Max Thorne, added, “His administration has really squeezed the art out of us like a cold-pressed juice. We could be incubating the next Ai Weiwei.”

For years, the students argue, American art has been on the decline. Allowing gays to marry, they say, was the nail in the coffin.

“What was there to inspire us during the Obama years?” Justine said. “Society was simply too progressive. Thanks to Trump, we can make art that protests gender conformity, racism, misogyny, or even the freedom of information.”

Still, Justine expressed some concern that Trump’s actions may not go far enough.

“These reductions are set to expire in 2025. I just hope he can find a way to make them permanent.”

Aaron Thom is a graduate student in CEE and Sloan.