Valentine’s Day Movies?

There could be something in theaters for you! Or not.

If you’re going to be oh-so traditional Valentine’s Day next week and take a date out to a movie, here’s a quick list to help you out.

Beautiful Creatures No, it’s for teenagers. Like Twilight.

Bullet to the Head Eh, it’s a run-of-the-mill action movie.

Warm Bodies Sure, a zombie romance could work.

Side Effects No, Channing Tatum and Catherine Zeta Jones in the same movie. Watching two people probably 10 times hotter than you on Valentine’s Day isn’t a good idea.

The Gatekeepers No, documentary about survivors from Israeli security agency doesn’t seem too suitable.

Girls Against Boys No, it’s a poorly reviewed horror movie — better to watch on DVD, on a couch under a blanket.

Identity Thief No, this is goofy crime movie.

Safe Haven Sure, but you should only go for it if you’re into mushy Nicholas Sparks novels.

A Good Day to Die Hard Eh, maybe it’d be an option without a date.

Escape from Planet Earth No, it’s a kid’s movie.

The Haunting in Connecticut 2 No, it’s a tense haunted house movie. We have enough stress in our lives.

… So maybe better to do something else.

—Grace Young