Oh Cain, you will be so sorely missed

Who will we have to
laugh at now?

Herman Cain, former frontrunner of the race for the Republican presidential nomination, announced late last week that he would be “suspending” his campaign in light of the numerous (read: many) allegations of sexual misconduct during his time as the CEO and President of the National Restaurant Association. Let’s take a moment of silence to mourn the death of his bid for the presidency and then reflect on the highlights of his campaign.

An experienced businessman, Cain had something that none of the other Republican candidates brought to the table: a complete lack of political experience and a deep chasm in lieu of what should be an understanding of American foreign policy. With his famous interview concerning the identity of the president of “U-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan” and his minute-long dead silence when trying to recall what country Libya is, Cain has demonstrated a profound lack of knowledge when it comes to America’s dealings in international affairs.

Indeed, when asked about his knowledge of foreign affairs, Cain brilliantly exposed the mainstream news media’s bias that a president should have a firm understanding of foreign policy by saying: “I’m not supposed to know anything about foreign policy. Just thought I’d throw that out.” It is clear, that if elected, Cain would have masterfully driven the United States’ foreign policy in a direction of complete irrelevance and ridicule. I, for one, am particularly upset to see that prospect disappear.

These however, are by no means the only ingenious undertakings of Cain. His candidacy also shone when it came to domestic policy. Armed with his masterfully crafted 9-9-9 Plan (owing to the help of a degree-less economic adviser), Cain was ready to reshape the tax landscape for all Americans. In addition, in a valiant effort to secure our border from the “illegals” pouring in from Mexico, Cain offered a multi-billion dollar project to erect a giant fence along the final frontier and electrocute every one of those immigrants.

The loss of Cain as a candidate has also damaged our hopes of seeing Social Security (which he adamantly describes as a “scam”) completely destroyed. Now, we will have to live with ourselves, knowing that somewhere, someone is taking advantage of this nation’s most important social welfare program by getting retirement benefits.

A man of integrity, Cain has also lead the life of a true leader. With his multiple extra-marital misconduct during his tenure at the National Restaurant Association and his 13-year adulterous relationship with Ginger White, Cain has shown a spirit and level of commitment expected of every presidential candidate worth their mettle. Later denying those allegations, Cain is now happy to be reunited with his wife of 43 years in a monogamous relationship once again.

It’s always depressing to see such a capable, competent and vivacious potential leader leave the running for president. Providing us with many moments of soul-searching and of curiosity about the direction we are headed, Cain was an important political figure who will be sorely missed. In his stead, we will witness the many potential rivalries and exciting debates that will unfold in the road to the 2012 presidential elections. Stay tuned for more heart-wrenching promises and world-changing remarks.