NERDY WITH A CHANCE OF RANDOM Hole-y pants don’t have to be a nightmare
How to take awkwardness in stride, literally
I looked down and noticed that my pants had somehow acquired a rather large, gaping hole in a very inconvenient location. Great. In order to assess the damage, I frantically fled towards the bathroom, concealing the sensitive spot from the light of day as if it were some photosensitive image. However, once within the haven of the girl’s bathroom, I discovered an issue: I had no extra pants, no jacket, no means by which to cover up the enormous tear in my jeans. And as pleasant as the girl’s bathroom is, with its faint smell of bleach and human excrement, I refused to spend more time than was necessary in there. That then begged the question: What was there to do?
Well, wherever the hole in the pants might be, here’s a quick guide to handling this situation with grace.
The Hole-y Pants Guide
My Pants were Born This Way, Baby. This is actually quite simple. Pretend that the pants came with a large hole in them already, and, in fact, the pair of pants is the latest fashion statement. In other words, tear some more holes in those pants, rub some dirt in them, and just make them look like a very distressed garment. Then, wear them with confidence. Appearing confident is perhaps the most difficult part — especially if the original mishap happens to reveal some undergarments. However, if there is someone out there who can pull off wearing a meat dress for extended periods of time, then donning a destroyed pair of pants shouldn’t be a problem. Well, at least until a new pair of pants can be found.
Stick It. First, a quest will have to be made in order to find tape. Either the pants will be exposed for a short amount of time while tape is found, or the modern convenience of a cell phone can be used to contact a friend sans pants problems who will show enough kindness and mercy to fetch tape without dishing out taunts and jabs at your misfortune. Good luck with the latter, since friends tend to revel in the accidents of friends — or maybe I just need new friends. Once the tape has been located, take off the pair of pants, flip them inside out, and patch up the hole by taping it up on the inside. The taped spot might feel uncomfortable for the rest of the day, but at least the hole will be no more.
Glued to the Hip. This one, again, requires that you have some really good friends. And I mean brother-or-sister-level good. Using the lovely convenience of a cell phone once again, contact said friend. Ask the friend to be awkwardly glued to your hip until the pants can be replaced. Using “pretty please” and perhaps adding a cherry on top of it all might help to persuade the friend in question, or blackmailing him or her about the time he or she did that one thing at that one place at that one time (but be wary — the friend might not want to be friends after that). If the request is met with approval, then have the friend act as a shield for the sensitive spot on the pants. Obviously, this cannot work all day, so the friend must only be used until another pair of pants can be found. Thank the friend afterwards, since shielding a person can be quite awkward.
Remember to keep this guide close at all times or commit it to memory. With more businesses trying to save more and more money, the quality of pants will assuredly plummet, thus increasing the frequency of pants ripping across the world. Be wary, don’t panic, and just remember to breathe.