VARIOUS STATES OF UNDRESS Man on a mission
Spicing up vanilla
Those who know me can all agree on one thing: I am anything but boring. I’m feisty and loud, I’m the life of the party, and I’m always down for an adventure. I guess that’s why my guy friends were surprised when I said my favorite position is the missionary.
Apparently, the missionary is how boring people bone. I thank my friends for shedding some light, because now I can take the necessary measures to have sex the way fun people do. I mean, I can see how missionary would be referred to as the “vanilla of sex,” but that doesn’t make it boring. Vanilla is the most popular ice cream flavor for a reason! It’s simple and satisfying by itself, but with the right toppings, you can take it to a whole ‘nother level.
“I don’t like it, because I’m thrusting and she’s laying there like a dead fish,” a dude tells me, and the others agree. When I asked which position they preferred, they responded with “girl-on-top.” So, let me see... Guys don’t want the girl to lay like a dead fish, yet it’s cool when they do it. Lazy fucks.
Let me just say, I do not adhere to nor support the Dead Fish School of Boning. Last I heard, sex is a mutual act. Laying there while the guy pounds away reduces me to a life-sized Fleshlight, and I see myself as more than a inconspicuous masturbation device. While it is a bit challenging to move when trapped between a mattress and a guy, there’s always something for the girl to do to spruce it up. Girls, squeeze your PC muscles, grab his ass and pull him into you, tug on his hair, grind your hips against his... there are infinite possibilities! Go off, explore!
In addition to all the amazing add-ons I’ve got you dreaming up, missionary can be tweaked to add a little oomph; French vanilla instead of regular, if you will. (I’m milking this analogy for all it’s worth.) For the girls, it’s all about theta: the angle your legs make with the rest of your body makes a huge difference. Throw your legs over his shoulders at 90°, or bend them back further towards your head at around 120°, if you really want to take it to a new level.
I also have some advice to dispense to the guys, if I may. The number one complaint about my beloved missionary is that some guys tend to go crazier with the jackhammering than the construction workers at the Media Lab Extension. Listen, some of us like it rough, but a lot of you supply more power than we can resist. Take advantage of the fact that you’re all up on her face and gauge her reaction; adjust as necessary. In addition to controlling and varying the pace, you might want to examine the technique. “In and out” is the basic mechanics of missionary, but let’s try to mix it up a bit, shall we?
Missionary is also a great opportunity to get cheesy, and some people appreciate romance. Being skin-on-skin and making eye contact makes it feel more like love-making than straight-up sex. It is quite easy to kiss during missionary, which is not only a good way to get closer, but it also makes for a nice break if you’ve overexerted yourself. Fellas, if you want to tell her you love her, pause the humping, stare into her eyes, and do it. Just don’t have that be the first time you tell her — you could really creep her out, and being in a compromising position, it’s best to avoid potentially embarrassing situations.
If you feel like doing some talking of the naughty variety, missionary works wonders. Most of us live in dorms, which have paper-thin walls. If you’re going to talk about how you want to be [bleeped] in the [bleep] until you [bleep], it’s best that nobody else hears it, unless you want your hallmates to reenact it for you once the boy is gone. (True story.) Lean in and whisper something dirty in your partner’s ear. And don’t be shy about it; nobody’s listening, anyway.
Lastly, let’s not discount the simplicity behind the missionary position, a major selling point because acrobatics are hard and sex ain’t a circus. Even if you lack experience, it is hard to completely mess up this position. In any event, if you’re lucky enough to be the girl, you can always just lay there like a dead fish.
M. is a junior in Course 10, and her favorite thing about missionary is watching the funny faces people make during sex. She can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.