Campus Life

All my single ladies

This weekend is Valentine’s Day, which is pretty awesome if you’re coupled up but kinda sucky if you’re single — and especially shitteous if you’re a single gal. For single girls, Valentine’s Day serves mostly as a reminder of how much we fail at life that we don’t have a “special someone” to do cute things for us and buy us flowers and take us to dinner. Can we get Hallmark working on some “You (don’t have a dick to) suck” cards that I can buy for myself on the 14th to supplement my romantic evening of watching Pretty Woman and feasting on some Chubby Hubby?

Let’s step outside of the pity party for a smoke, girlfriend, and put things into perspective: The awesome Valentine’s Day that a lot of girls hope for is crap. The romantic dinner more often than not occurs at Olive Garden and the beautiful flowers we envision turn out to be wilting roses bought from a street vendor for a buck or two. Not really what I consider an awesome date, I don’t know about you. Which is why I have ceased to feel bad for myself for not having a guy to take me out on Valentine’s Day. Instead, I take it as a day to celebrate my singleness.

On Valentine’s Day, I like to gather my single friends and go out for dinner. We dress up and pick a fancy restaurant to eat at, the kind of restaurant a guy would never take us to because, let’s face it, most guys are cheap as fuck and won’t take a girl out for a $30 entrée. We get a bottle or two of nice wine, and we toast to being single. Because, really, being single is severely underrated.

There are so many things a single woman doesn’t have to deal with! There’s no sleeping in a cramped twin XL, nobody hogging the covers, no waking up to smelly dick in the morning, and, best of all, not having to figure out a way to politely refuse sucking on said dick. No need to worry about faking an orgasm when the sex with the otherwise-perfect boyfriend blows. (Single girls have vibrators, which are much more reliable anyway.)

And there’s also no need to worry about getting bored of fucking just one man either, because a single girl is getting out there and getting off with different guys, and how can that be boring? (I guess that’s another good thing about being single: We get to sleep around without feeling guilty about cheating!) There’s no need to be jealous or suspicious that the boyfriend might be secretly getting it on with a girl from his recitation, no getting upset because he would rather spend his time reading comic books than fucking you, no paranoia that he might leave you for his ex-girlfriend. In fact, there’s no fear of getting dumped at all, for there is nobody to dump you.

My wallet seems to prefer me being single, too. When I dated, I would pick up the bill sometimes, especially if I picked a pricey place for us to eat at. My first financial priority (shoes) was relegated to second place when I had a boy in my life, since I am a woman of the 21st century and I like picking up the tab sometimes in the interest of fairness and equality. After a handful of $90 dinners for two, you start to feel that maybe those funds would be better spent on something else.

As a single girl, I get to buy myself two nice dinners instead of a nice dinner for two, which, in my opinion, is far better. (That, or shoes.)

And let’s not forget about what is arguably the best part about being single on Valentine’s Day: After stuffing yourself on cheap food at a cheesy place and coming back home feeling tipsy, you don’t need to worry about your boyfriend being too full to fuck, or not being able to get it up because he hit the $4-a-glass wine a bit hard: As long as you have a pair of AA batteries on hand, a vibrator will never let you down.

M. is a junior in Course 10 and is definitely not opposed to guys asking her out on Valentine’s Day, as she loves free meals.