Gaggle Cops Tech Election, Fulfills Prophecy
As Was Written, McGraw-Herdeg ’08 Takes Reigns of Monumental ‘Tvte Publication
Once upon a time, in a far land away (China), a panda was born. Michael “I’m a little pony” McGraw-Herdeg ’08 was confused about his identity, but nonetheless was destined for greatness as the Chairman of the 127th Managing Board of The Tech. Brought over to the big city of Boston, Little Mic-Mic knew that his time would come, for whenever he was a sad panda, nothing brought greater comfort than singing to himself “such a pretty pony, clippity clop, clippity clop.”
His ascendance to control would be aided by none other than Managing Editor Austin “>.>” Chu ’08, whose meticulous workings not only lead Link to dominate Hyrule, but helped bring down the evil Lord Zozer, whose year and a half run as Chairman was marked by drunken debauchery and lecherous comments. Unbeknownst to all, Zozer would continue his reign of terror as Operations Manager under the guise of Zachary “what happens if I unplug this” Ozer ’07, a vibrant member of the “drunk, stubborn, and Texan” leadership coalition.
Who better to control these men but the peaceful leaders of the small-cute-Asian alliance, Business Manager Cokie “cokie hu, where are you?” Hu ’08 and Editor in Chief Marie “garlic butter!” Thibault ’08. The elder statesman of the group, Rosa “I’m still not the oldest” Cao G agreed to continue in her role as Executive Editor.
Now the panda was sad, for there was no one to lead the news. But hark, far in the distance, approached the News Editors Benjamin “it’s not kiddie porn, it’s an indie film” Gleitzman ’09, Angeline “At least I’m not JT” Wang ’09, and Kirtana “the strong silent type” Raja ’09 to save the day. And the panda was a happy panda, for who better to balance the news than this racially-balanced triumvirate.
As the panda continued his wanderings through the mystical, magical Tech land, he came across Little India, whose voices were represented by the wise Opinion gurus Aditya “editorial?” Kohli ’09 and Barun “Save Ashdown … please” Singh EE ’06. Content that the voice of the people would be heard, Mic-Mic decided to have a little fun, seeking the help of the experienced Campus Life ringmaster Bill “wii” Andrews ’05 and the playful Arts editor Jillian “Don’t do drugs” Berry ’08. As they skipped along together, they sang to newly elected Sports Editor Caroline “Mindy Brauer is my hero” Huang ’10 joyfully, “let’s jump and run, we’ll have lots of fun, won’t you come play with me?” Fellow Sports Editor Travis “Jack Bauer is my hero” Johnson ’08 declined to join in, but called the action from the sidelines.
In the land far, far away, there were also those who did not believe in words. They included Ricky “I’m Mexican but I don’t like cheese” Ramirez ’09 and Eric “I am in fact not Dutch” Schmiedl ’09, who together will lead the Photo Department. The non-word-believers also counted amongst them the newly crowned Jessica “saucy” Witchley ’10, Queen of Productia, population: 0.
Although the residents of the far-away land subsisted on sunshine and flowers, the panda recognized that a little money never hurt anyone. Who better to trust with his money than incoming Advertising Managers Neeharika “happy frosh the first” Bhartiya ’10 and Ritu “happy frosh the second” Tandon ’10?
The panda then realized that he needed to get with the times and publish his journeys to the Interweb in a Web 2.0, CSS-compliant blog. For this task, he turned to his trusty TechnoRector, Shreyes “…” Seshasai ’08, who promised this would be done…soon.
Finally tired from his long sojourn through China and Techland, Mic-Mic went to seek inner peace in an isolated bamboo grove. However, no sooner had he romped into the peaceful setting than the voices of past greatness, led by Contributing Editors Tiffany “Soon to be running fast and far from MIT” Dohzen G and Brian “Crufty McCruft Cruft” Hemond G. Senior Editor Satwiksai “Revolving door of studenthood” Seshasai G did not add his soft-spoken voice to the fray, but instead projected an aura of calm, or at least no emotions.
Their voices were soon joined by those of the Advisory board, including Paul E. “Indexing Project” Schindler, Jr. ’74, V. Michael “Junior” Bove ’83, Barry “Daily News” Surman ’84, Robert E. “Hired Gun” Malchman ’85, Deborah A. “Web Guru” Levinson ’91, Jonathan E.D. “and the Fan Club” Richmond PhD ’91, Saul “Desknet” Blumenthal ’98, Frank “from Search” Dabek ’00, Daniel Ryan “drb” Bersak ’02, Eric J. “the Super One” Cholankeril ’02, Jordan “the Jordan” Rubin ’02, Nathan “West Coast Style” Collins SM ’03, Keith J. “I write for a real newspaper” Winstein ’03, Akshay R. “Smooth” Patil ’04, Kelley “Still in our Hearts” Rivoire ’06, Beckett W. “Still Hot” Sterner ’06, Marissa “Mar Mar” Vogt ’06, and B(een There) D(one That) Colen.