processing life through my spotify playlists
“my brain is at my limit, going insane with everything i do!!” -kairiki bear, bug
processing life through my spotify playlists
content warning: brief mentions of ptsd, gender dysphoria, self harm, disassociation
i got spotify premium a few years ago. well, more accurately, my older brother got an account through a family plan between him and his friends, and i’ve been leeching off of it ever since. although it’s under his name, most of the playlists and liked songs and favorite artists are mine.
the oldest playlist i have is called “where’d all the time go?” although i don’t talk to the person i made this playlist with anymore, i can’t bear to get rid of it, a time capsule with memories and feelings i refuse to forget — sleeping on their shoulder during the bus rides back to our high school after a swim meet, the nights spent on discord playing games and watching anime, walking into their chemistry class and nagging them to do their work, among countless other memories.
the cover of the playlist used to be a picture of genshin impact’s zhongli holding a glaze lily, the flower populating the flower bed that his friend died in; truly, it was the perfect testament to the theme of “loss” that i can never shake off.
now, however, the cover is the mit pumpkin drop. shattered, scattered, lost, as i am most days.
after that, i made dozens of playlists. some of them were happy, like the ones i dedicated to past lovers, but most of them showcase the immense amount of sadness i feel on a day-to-day basis.
playlists include:
day 18 - i made this towards the end of senior year of high school when i was overwhelmed with everything. the name refers to the day when ame-chan self-harms in needy streamer overload, a visual novel detailing the journey of a mentally unstable girl as she tries to become a famous streamer.
i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry sorry sorry sorry - i made this playlist whilst struggling to balance my safety at home and a relationship that no one ever truly approved of.
self-love // self-hatred - i made this during cpw after going to, and immediately leaving, “super secret gay time,” because i felt out of place in a strictly queer space, a place that i never had before.
mirror mirror on the wall, tell me who the real me is - i made this when one of my intense bouts of gender dysphoria ate me from the inside out.
over and again - i made this in the summer while pondering the question of “will i fuck up my career or my health at mit?”
it turns out that learning who i am alongside fulfilling all the expectations my family had of me alongside navigating my identity alongside regaining some sort of self-respect is one of the most difficult tasks you could give anybody.
but that’s just teenage angst! (although i’m probably undermining it.)
breaking up that angst into smaller, more definable boxes made it a whole lot easier to process. this is a tried and true method, as demonstrated by object-oriented programming: there’s the overarching “vi” class that life made for me, the “ptsd,” “genderDysphoria,” and “generalSelfHatred” subclasses that accompany it, and finally a shoddily built “joy” subclass.
yeah, the devs sure took their time with me. i’m not particularly happy about it either. i hope that those first three subclasses are phased out in future updates.
no matter how much i request permission, it seems that i have no direct control over my own code, so the only thing i can do is comment on this chaotic, havoc-wreaking, self-destructive code to try and make some sense of it.
years of deconstructing this ever-changing code have led to…
*checks notes*
…more spotify playlists. although therapy does help in the longer healing process, music is better with short-term coping, as venting my recurring and intense thoughts is somewhat impossible when i only see my therapist on a semi-biweekly basis for thirty minutes at a time.
i’m working on balancing short and long term healing.
but in the meantime, spotify playlists it is! such playlists include:
uncertainty and anticipation - i made this playlist to try and describe the imposter syndrome i felt at mit, spurred by someone saying to me "when the person in front of you in the race asks if you're winning, then something is off..."
sick - a playlist that encapsulates the feminine agony that is loving someone whilst being self-aware of my own flaws.
bittersweet chocolate - a playlist that showcases what it feels like to grasp at distractions to escape one’s thoughts.
a goodbye to everyone i was - a playlist that was meant to put my deadname and everything it carries to rest, but actually reminds me of all the pain it carries.
hypocrisy - a playlist that serves to explain everything in “generalSelfHatred.”
XD rawr :) >O< - i made this because i wanted a happy playlist (i abandoned it after two days).
“i’m in a silly romantical mood” - i made this after sending a friend their song of the day (“a big brown dog named bagel” by nep), which i probably liked more than they did.
although these are still pretty depressing, i’ve kept the happy ones for longer than usual! well, the two happy playlists i have.
i think that means i’m getting closer to healing! maybe the devs will write me classes that aren’t so painful and confusing to understand, and it would be nice if they’d finally update “joy.”
but until that happens, i’ll keep making spotify playlists to cope with it all.